Driving

Written in June 2014, about a year after moving back from London to Pune

OK. I can admit it publicly because enough years have passed - I failed the UK driving test four times, finally passing on my fifth attempt - and even this was largely due to a sympathetic female test examiner.  When I moved from Pune to London, I needed to take lessons and pass the local driving test. I can laugh about my repeated failures now, but it didn't seem funny at the time, not when I was shelling out twenty pounds an hour for the lessons and more than a hundred pounds per test. In fact, my driving school didn't seem all that happy when I finally passed. My fees had probably taken care of the owner's children's schooling for a year, and he probably was wondering where their next golden egg-laying goose would come from.  When I told them I had finally passed, the driving school immediately asked me if I had any friends or relatives from Pune who would need a UK license.

I blame my upbringing on Pune roads for my subsequent travails in the UK. My first driving test was a disaster because I  saw a pedestrian at a zebra crossing - and instead of stopping, I accelerated to cut him off. The examiner nearly had a heart attack, but my brain was hard-wired to the Pune concept that might is right. On my second attempt, I changed lanes on an impulse, and made it with a few feet to spare - but the examiner thought I had caused the vehicle behind me to brake hard. This is a big sin in the UK  - but my Pune mind was going "So what?". It was only after a good deal of unlearning and relearning that I was considered safe to be let loose on British roads.

Learning to drive in Pune had been so easy. I went to Apte motor school, the oldest driving school in Pune, an institution that continues to thrive today. The instructor was diligent and taught us the 'theoretical' and the 'practical' aspects of driving in Pune - (some of the practical aspects caused my downfall in London later). After a month our batch was considered ready for the driving test. We drove to the Alandi RTO in the Apte motor school Maruti 800. The test was so simple, it was a letdown after all the preparation. A traffic police officer sat next to me and asked me to drive. 60 seconds later, after seeing a couple of gear changes and a turn, he was satisfied that I was good to go. And that was the end of my test.
But there were enough people who made his life interesting. Right after me, it was the turn of one of the ladies in my batch. I moved to the rear seat and she took the wheel. Poor thing, she lost her nerve completely on seeing a uniformed policeman sitting next to her. She started the car and gunned the accelerator. The car refused to move. She accelerated even more. The noise was horrible. The policeman then gave her a sour look and grunted "Bai, gear taka".. Lady, put the car in gear. She had forgotten to shift from neutral to first. By now she was completely flustered and I could see the sweat on the back of her neck. She changed gears - with both hands on the stick - so the car now started moving but instead of going straight, veered right and headed for the opposite side of the road. This story does have a happy ending, though, because the lady regained her composure in the nick of time, got the car back in control, drove without any major accident for the next 30 seconds, and passed the test.

After driving in Pune for many years, failing the driving test in the UK was a rude shock. And after I finally got my license, my London interlude caused my driving habits to change a lot. Which has made life even more interesting now that I am back on Pune roads. The unwritten rules of driving are becoming clearer once again. I've listed some of them -

1. Traffic signals are for wimps. If you are a real man, you will make a break if you see a gap in traffic, regardless of what colour the signal is.  The only exception is if you see a white-uniformed policeman directly ahead of you.
2. P1 and P2 parking is not valid any longer. If you see a couple of vehicles parked on the wrong side, you can happily park with them and obtain safety in numbers.
3. Motorcyclists have multiple lives. They must have, because there is no other reason why people can drive without helmets and cut through traffic.
4. One must stay in the left lane before making a right turn; and vice versa
5. Honking is a great stress reliever, and also good exercise for your palm. So you should do it as often as possible.
6. Pedestrians are invisible, particularly on zebra crossings.
7. Never give any other driver an inch, because someone else will end up taking a mile.
8. All roadworks and flyovers are 10-year projects. It is hopeless to expect fast progress.
9. One ways are for wimps, unless you see a policeman lying in wait ahead.  

For all the unruly driving, I do see a positive change in Pune now. There are less scrapes, less arguments, less fights. It is - and youngsters won't believe it - more civilised than it used to be. One reason may be that there is some sort of acceptance that the narrow roads and poor signage make driving a painful experience for everyone, and Punekars have fatalistically accepted it. But there may also be a chemical explanation. Ever since the 1920s, a chemical called tetraethyl lead was used as an additive to petrol, as an anti-knocking agent. Spewed into the air along with car exhaust fumes, tetraethyl lead was linked  with multiple health problems including blood poisoning and learning disabilities in children. Countries across the world started banning the additive. India banned it in 2000.
But it also seems that inhaling this chemical caused higher levels of aggression in people. Because, recent scientific studies in the West have orrelated the banning of tetraethyl lead with a sharp drop in the rates of violent crime.
So if we think Pune traffic is bad today, lets imagine what it would be like with breathing a Fight Club inducing chemical every day!